I Hate Open Source Software - Why Open Source Sucks
Listen here you fucking dorks I already know what you’re going to say “Well Grumpy Nerd if you hate open source software so much then why do you have a Wordpress blog that is running on an open source database?” Because Wordpress is a very rare example of open source software that doesn’t suck which doesn’t remotely make up for the other 99.99993% of open source software that sucks like a coked up Hoover.
Open Source Is A Fraud
There are two types of open source projects: The first type is the software built by womanless losers on SourceForge who have so much fucking free time in their lives that they can take hours out of their day to contribute to some worthless open source project that like everything else in their pathetic lives they won’t complete. They won’t document it. They won’t fix the legions of bugs that they built into the software. They will just fade away leaving their code-turd forever stinking up the digital domain.
The second type of open source project is maybe even more insidious than the first. It’s the corporate open source project. This is the project which is directed by, funded by and whom all of the contributors are employed by large corporations. It’s open source to better their market position or to encourage the use of their services. I’m fine with that. I’m a lover of capitalism. What disgusts me are you doe-eyed open source hippies that swallow the bullshit they are feeding you. You naive losers are being bamboozled by your corporate masters because you don’t understand how marketing works. They are contributing to the open source “movement” not to make the world a better place or set software free or build a code utopia or whatever nonsense you believe they are doing it to gain consulting services market share, raise brand awareness or the sell their proprietary solutions that complement the “free ones.”
That’s right I just called out the crown jewel of the open source movement. Linux is great if you’re building a super-computing cluster, you run a web hosting company with 3,000 servers or you’re Facebook/Yahoo/Google and you need something very custom and very rare. Linux is pretty nice if you’re deploying an embedded system application. But for the 99.7% of us that are using computers for common everyday tasks Linux is a wholesale disaster. On the server side it requires much more maintenance and more knowledge and effort to deploy and maintain than it’s commercial counterparts.
“Well Grumpy Nerd maybe you’re just not smart enough for Linux…”
No douchebag I am actually much smarter than you and I have shit to do and don’t have time to patch kernels and search for device drivers. It also means that I understand the value of time and I’d rather pay a few hundred bucks for an operating system license that patches itself and has device drivers available out of the box because my time is valuable.
“But Grumpy Nerd Linux is more efficient than Windows and it runs great on my 15 year old POS 486 with 4K of memory…”
I’m sorry that you can’t afford a new computer that will run a decent modern OS. Maybe if you were more talented you could sell your code for money and wouldn’t have to give it away for free. BTW Windows 7 runs awesome on this four core i560 machine with an assload of RAM. Too bad you’re stuck in the mesozoic era of computing.
“Grumpy Nerd Linux can do anything Windows can do and is gaining desktop market share…”
No it can’t and No it isn’t. That is the circle jerk of lies that you Linux nerds tell each other to make yourselves feel better. Outside of your dork circles Linux has zero desktop market share. No one uses it. The reason they don’t use it has nothing to do with Microsoft and Apple being mean. Or Microsoft cutting deals with computer makers. Nope. People don’t use Linux on the desktop because Linux on the desktop sucks. It’s hard to use. The GUIs are all ugly and clunky. Most importantly there are no useful desktop software packages that runs on Linux. Open Office is the drooling learning disabled little brother of Microsoft Office. Everything that Open Office does Microsoft Office does better. Photoshop is better than GIMP. For business productivity try to find an accounting package, shipping system or great suite of design tools that run on Linux. They don’t exist. Aside from web surfing and nerd circle jerk parties Linux on the desktop is useless.
Open Source nerds don’t have the discipline to write documentation because it’s no fun. Writing new code is fun. Fixing bugs in old code is less fun. Writing documentation sucks. Which is why most open source software is buggy and features little to no documentation making it useless to everyone outside of the authors.
Open Source Is Fad Driven
Most computer nerds have the attention span of a teenage girl off her Adderall. The next shiny object that passes though your periphery will distract you. Remember Ruby back in 2006? (Or just Rails if you’re a cool dork) oh you couldn’t turn a corner without some douche-canoe evangelizing the wonders of this horrible little fad framework and how it was going to revolutionize delivering software and services to the web and like the Segway Scooter of computer science… BAM in 2011 no one uses it. In fact the only people that still use Ruby on Rails are the loud mouthed idiots that painted themselves so far into a public corner evangelizing this brain dead framework that they can’t possibly backtrack without exposing themselves as the frauds that they are.
No Fucking Support
In my best open source Hippie voice; “you don’t get it maaaan the community supports you in the open source movement.” Oh really? You mean I’m supposed to bet my job on the trouble ticket turnaround time of the four crusty nerds hanging out on Source Forge who are going to tell me to RTFM to which there is no fucking manual because no one got around to writing one. That’s the support that you want me to rely on? Or do you mean the paid support from the many corporate open source contributors who sell their consulting services for more than licence cost of the commercial product they are replacing with “free” software? Thus simultaneously costing me more and wasting more of my time? Thats your support?
Open Source Wastes Time
Open source software is for people that have more time than money. An open source solution is usually a patchwork of mutually incompatible systems jury rigged together into a semi-workable solution. Finding how to assemble these random components into a working system takes time and effort. (Time is a cost just as money is a cost) “Ahh so I have a MySQL 4 database I’m not sure which connector I should use so I’ll get the latest then I’ll write some code…” then when I test it I find that the latest connectors only support the most recent version of MySQL and I have to find an older build of the connector but that version is full of bugs because no one tested it before they released it (which explains why there were 93 releases last year one per fucking bug apparently) and half the shit that is supposed to work doesn’t (why would anyone need parameterized queries - just strcat a line of dynamic SQL together you pussy) so I have to re-code for bug avoidance purposes. After a few tries you’ll successfully dodge all of the non-functional features and you’ll cruft something together that functions (most of the time).
OR! I could skip all of that hassle and develop the whole thing in ASP.NET where the database was designed specifically to work with the web framework that was designed to work with the language that was designed to work with my development environment and it was all designed to run on my desktop OS which is BTW is similar to my deployment server OS and get the job done with zero hassle and in 1/3rd of the time. Oh but I’m an idiot because I paid a few hundred bucks for software! Microsoft really fucked me didn’t they?
To Summarize The Shitpile that is Open Source
99.99993% of open source software is complete garbage. Most open source developers suck otherwise they would be getting paid to write code. The open source developers that don’t suck work for Oracle, IBM and Red Hat and are contributing to open source projects so their employers can collectively gain market share on Microsoft (isn’t working) and trap suckers into using their open source solutions so that the suckers will buy their consulting services and support contracts. And Wordpress doesn’t suck but MySQL which Wordpress uses to store it’s data does suck. And thats all you need to know about open source.
Grumpy Nerd Out.