Asheville Oktoberfest Sucked
Jacksonville Florida is suck immersion therapy. Life here is a series of lowered expectations. You want to have a good meal out? Not likely but we can offer you a mostly flavorless but highly salted meal at the national chain restaurant of your choosing. Maybe you’re interested in listening to some great local music? You’ll probably have a hard time finding that here but we can offer you a trio divorced cougars wearing stonewashed jeans that they haven’t been able to fit into since the 11th grade singing an off key karaoke rendition of “I Will Survive” in a redneck bar. Really the only thing exceptional here is how exceptionally average and underwhelming the place is. We should replace the “Welcome to Jacksonville - Where Florida Begins” sign with generic one that says “A City Pop. 1mil - Nothing Special Here.” With this overwhelming civic suck how is it possible that our local Oktoberfest was better than the one that “Beer City USA” Asheville NC put on?
First off they held it in the middle of the god damn day. High noon with the sun beating down on your head? The only reason I want to drink beer at noon out in the hot sun is to numb the pain of of watching boring sports like baseball and golf. Beer is to be consumed at night where the horror of looking at your fellow human is already mitigated by the lack of light. Beer can’t combat full on daylight illuminated ugly. Beer isn’t that strong. Work with beer and beer will work with you.
The fucking oompa band. This side of those beer wench outfits nothing goes better with Oktoberfest than Fritz up there playing oompa music with an accordion in his little lederhosen silly green hat getup. These are the people tried to take over the world? Twice? You have to be shitting me. They didn’t have mirrors in 1930s Germany? If they did they’d take one look at that little feather cap fairy outfit and quickly conclude that the USA is going to win this one and maybe we’d be better off keeping our ourselves and not starting two wars. I digress. This is polka music not a Molly Hatchet redux it doesn’t need to be played at 149 decibels. TURN IT THE FUCK DOWN.
Next on my list; THE LACK OF FUCKING BEER. Thats right “Beer City USA” ran out of beer at Oktoberfest. Everywhere I turn in Asheville I hear the same old tired saw; “This is the capitol of beer”, “Voted number one brew city”, “Beer City USA”. Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, fucking beer it’s all I hear in Asheville. Yet on the most important beer drinking day of the year you knuckleheads didn’t bring enough beer to the party. Plenty of the shitty stuff left that no one wanted but the good stuff was gone 3 hours before the event was over. Nice work idiots. Glad I spent $60 on this shit.
Finally the beer fags who have completely lost touch of the pleasure of drinking a simple yet excellent brew. “This beer has been aged with 10 pounds of ripened pears picked and washed by free range midgets in a hand hewn oak cask that Leonardo DaVinci used in 1503 to wash his balls.” Outside of the other low self esteem beer nerds at the competing brewery down the street no one gives a fuck about any of that. What we do give a fuck about is that in your race to prove that your beer penis is bigger than the other guys beer penis you’ve loaded your brew down with so much garbage that the masterpiece you’ve created is nearly undrinkable. Less is more morons. Artists and designers call it negative space. It allows shape and color to breath. It works in food and beer too. I’m sure this is a shock to your cliquey brew-tard subculture but some of us out here actually enjoy a well brewed, high quality beer that doesn’t have 19 different varieties of hops and fruity esters. Congrats on becoming as annoying and punchable as the West Coast wine snobs and for ruining my favorite beverage.
- Grumpy Nerd OUT.