I Hate Apple Computers
I have so much pent up rage and anger and so little time to vent it properly on this blog. Literally every fucking day ten things piss me off and are worthy of a good rant. But who has time for this shit? So I’m going to down about a quart of tequila and let the discontent flow.
The only thing that annoys me more than Apple computer propaganda is anything related to Twitter. Twittering on your iPhone while drinking a PBR in your skinny leg jeans is the hipster idiocy trifecta. So a few seconds for a Twitter micro-rant (how fucking ironic) and then on to Apple. It should be obvious to you that Twitter is literally the dumbest human trend ever. If you use Twitter for anything other than to con hot dumb chicks into honking your bobo then you deserve to be quarantined with your other Twitter-Tards on a barren island for life, sentenced to speaking in 140 character increments while you play LiteBrite with each other for eternity.
So I swallowed my hatred of all things trendy and gave Apple a legit shot in my quest for a new laptop. I looked at HP, Dell and Apple laptops. No matter which way I spun it the Apple computer cost three times as much as an HP / Dell with similar hardware. For the cost of one Apple I could buy an HP laptop with the same specs as the Apple and a Dell desktop with better specs and have a pile of money left over. On top of that every single useful software product I could buy for the Apple I can also buy for the PC. However the reverse isn’t true; not all useful PC software has an Apple version. In fact the most important software I need to do my job doesn’t run on Apple unless you run Windows XP on your Apple (yes this can actually be done though software called VMWare) so what you end up with essentially is a PC that costs three times as much as is should using proprietary hardware that you can’t modify. (But it’s pretty!)
To summarize; the Apple does less fucking stuff than the PC but costs three times as much… or rather it can do exactly the same stuff as a PC as long as you run Windows on your Apple which means that at that point your Apple is a PC that you paid way too much for. Here is my advice cut out the middleman save yourself some dough and get a PC. They cost less. They can do more. And contrary to the cute “I’m a Mac” commercials PCs are reliable.
They only reasons I can think of for buying an Apple;
1. You Are a Fucking Idiot; you believe everything corporate marketing pumps into your empty head. You think the Apple guy is “cute” and the PC Guy is frumpy and gross.
2. You are a graphic designer who listened to all the other graphic designers that told you “Apple is the only computer you can do great creative work on.” While ignoring the obvious fact that the entire Adobe Suite runs just as well on the PC.
3. You are a hopelessly trendy hipster asshole who’s self esteem is so low you’ll do literally anything that the crowd tells you to so that you can be liked. (Pssst: They don’t really like you)
4. You are an open source hippie. You hate Microsoft and think Bill Gates is mean. While ignoring that Apple’s licenses are more restrictive than Microsoft, Apple products are more closed to development and modification than PCs and Steve Jobs had Apple legally threaten a guy who was making fun of him. (Google: Fake Steve Jobs)
5. You think it’s still 1996 and hate that Windows 95 SP1 blue screens twice a day.
6. You’re a Rush Limbaugh ditto head and believe everything that the fat man says including his constant shameless plugging of Apple products and as soon as you move into a bigger trailer you’re getting a Mac.
7. You’re a software developer who wants to automatically eliminate half of the useful development tools from your repertoire.
8. You think that you’re going to make $5M selling the next great iPhone Fart Application.
9. You are so retarded that you think that iTunes and the iPod won’t work with a PC.
10. You’re unemployed and need a $3,500 fashion accessory for your “sitting at Starbucks all fucking day because I don’t have a job” ensemble.